Working on Myself

I’m trying to concentrate on myself.

Trying to move away from all the crap around, I’m trying to focus the view on myself. So, I decide to look through me.

Physically, I’m in bad shape now.

When I say bad shape, I’m truly out of shape. It’s been a concern for a few years, but I hardly did anything about it. I hardly thought about myself though.

With lot of efforts I’m trying to discipline myself. It’s so hard. I enjoyed every bite I took, every morsel I relished. And now, it’s on display. I never thought of what my body needs, or how much my body needs. It’s not that I hog, but I haven’t been able to control what I eat. So I am at task with myself. I am at disciplining myself at everything I do. What I eat, what I drink, how I look, what I wear, what I say and what I want to hear. I’m working on the whole with myself.

I want every change I make is permanent. It stays with me for life. Not just food, but, my attitude, my choices, my friends and family, everything. Because you just can’t cleanse your soul, and keep yourself messy outside, or, you can’t look fit physically but your thoughts feed on jealousy and hatred. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m trying.

I’m trying to better myself, Inside out. I will do it.

I want to make lifestyle changes. I want to be healthy. There are certain health issues that have popped up and my “weight” being the reasons. Nothing major, but I don’t want to wait until its life threatening.

I have also observed my family is my mirror. What I do reflects in all of them. So my changes should reflect on them too. I’m doing this for them too. Certain things are common among us. Like, we don’t eat fruits regularly. The only fruits that we eat are apple and Bananas. We love eating out. Not junk exactly, but the elaborate dinners and the bakery products are the main culprits. So I want to make sure my husband and daughter to eat healthy and I am their model.

I have tried dieting, I have tried pills, I have tried shakes, but they have given temporary relief. I can’t commit to work at a certain place at certain time, so Gym is not my option. I have gone to a few gyms, made an enquiry, asked for a personal trainer and stuff, but can’t get myself to go to a gym. So I diet. And after 3 days, I have found myself tired and hungry which leads to binging. I have never stuck onto a routine. Maybe there was no compulsion, no commitment, and no necessity. Yes, that’s the right word. I didn’t have the necessity, because first thing, my body parts were not protruding out of my clothes, my clothes covered my bulging body, I could find clothes that fit well to my body, and covered the bulges. It was easy to go get a size that fit me well. I didn’t have any health issues.

Today it’s difficult to fit into the dress I like. It’s embarrassing to try the last size available and not look good n it or find my tummy bulging out. My leg hurts while walking, I go to the doctor and he tells me it’s my weight, I have issues with my menstrual cycles and the gynac tells me reduce your weight.

This is where I stand now. So it’s become a “necessity” to lose those extra 60 pounds. Yes 60 pounds, 30 kgs that I have been accumulating all this while. Probably, flab is the only thing you can accumulate by doing nothing, and would do anything to lose it.


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