Guilt Haunts…

Being a Mom is not so easy. I took the decision of having a baby to bring my haphazard life to a form. I never thought I had to sacrifice a lot of things I enjoyed doing. I don’t regret, but, it’s heart breaking sometimes. At the same time I have enjoyed the motherhood and the love my daughter has brought in my life.  But, there is little guilt that haunts me as a mom:

  • When I had gestational Diabetes during my 7th month [I couldn’t control my obsession for food]
  • When I couldn’t enjoy her birth as the pain took over the anxiety [I was praying to god for the trauma to end soon, rather thank him for giving me an opportunity to bring a life into this world]
  • When I didn’t enjoy her little fragile body in my hands as motherhood looked more as a duty [I wanted to be a perfect mom. I dutifully put her to sleep, fed her every 2 hours, gave her bath, cleaned her potty]
  • When Duddu [my first pet] died [I blamed my daughter for it, as it died of depression after she was born]
  • When I cried about not earning rather enjoying her cooing and gurgles [I felt I’m jailed at home as she became my priority, while my friends were all working, and yet not mothers]
  • When I missed my husband more than her smile [ I stayed with my parents for 2 years [before and after she was born] and missed my hubby a lot]
  • When I thought of shopping than enjoy her kicking hands and legs [I love shopping. I hadn’t shopped for 18 months]
  • When I was trying hard to burp her than see the content in her smile. [I thought burping would help her digest which was more important than her feeling content]
  • I eat my daughter’s Chocolates. [I have a sweet tooth and I still do it, without her knowledge most of the times]
  • When I scare her of a demon waiting outside, if she didn’t eat/ drink/ sleep on time.[ I want her to be well fed and a healthy child]
  • When I let her stay overnight at my parents. [So I can take rest for a day and spend some romantic time with my hubby]

This list may continue in future, as of now this is all remember.

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