I’m sick today. I feel very tired.My body is aching, every muscle, even my cheeks and the jaw lines. I can’t even stand. The only thing that makes me feel better is to lie down. I was better in the morning, as the day passed, I felt very weak and spent all afternoon sleeping and the evening at the doctor’s.
What provoked me write this post even when, I can’t move my hand an inch – was my thoughts. Its kind of difficult to control your thoughts when you are physically weak.
While I was lying down in the afternoon, I just closed my eyes to catch some sleep, I guess I fell asleep immediately. Once the shutter closed it was dark in there, thoughts started floating up. I don’t know where they came from, but they started showing up in front of the dark screen [they are probably my closed eye lids]. The whole atmosphere resembled a theater, where I was the only audience. At the beginning they were blur, tinted, but later I recognized what I was seeing.
Once the picture was clear the thought stopped floating. It stood there as if nailed to the wall. I saw me, sitting on a chair, I knew it was me, but couldn’t see my face, I moved around to see it. As I moved I saw myself, I looked lean from the side [I wanted to be lean and thin, but not like this] I was lean and pale. I could see my face now. My skin was white in color and I’m looking very sad. I was sitting at a study table, with so many pens, notepads and dairies around on the table [I have always been fascinated by them, I buy them but don’t use them, I just collect them] It’s a golden color pen, it’s so beautiful, I’m hardly holding it. I guess I have no strength to hold it. I was writing on a notepad, the page had a pink floral print over a cream background. I looked so stern. I had no expression on my face.
Now I was right next to myself, I was standing just beside the chair. I could see what I was writing. It was death note. As I saw the note, I kind of realized, what I was going through. I was suffering from Bone cancer and I didn’t want to live anymore with the pain. While these things were flashing in my head, I visually see that my left wrist is cut and I’m bleeding profusely. and all my Saree has turned red as if it was a red one. I couldn’t see that any more and suddenly the lights on[ I actually opened my eyes] and I see my daughter sleeping next to me.
I was in shock. I didn’t know how to react, so I closed my eyes and went to sleep again in the hope to see something better this time.